Splendora Resident Reflects
By Milton Partain Contributing writer
In early i942, when I was four years old, my parents left Tallow Flat near Splehdora and moved to Houston. World War II had begun and job opportunities were available for the unskilled and uneducated. The Great Depression had never really ended in Tallow Flat and poverty was the common denominator of its residents.
My parents had never lived in a house that had electric lights or an indoor bathroom, but in Houston we had those things, plus a telephone. We couldn't call any of our friends or relatiives in Tallow Fbit, because they had no phones, but enough of them were moving to Houston ,and acquiring these modern conveniences that we at least knew someone to call .
Like all kids, Christmas was my favorite time of year and as the day approached I looked forward to being at Granny's and Granddad's . Our tree was usually a field pine cut from the pasture where the pines were growing back in clumps after years of the pasture being uncultivated . Pines are not full and evenly branched like other evergreens that were sold as Christmas trees , but they were free .
We could hang the ornaments that were saved from one year to the next on its uneven branches and spread silvery icicles made from aluminum foil on its long needles . An angel would be placed at tbe top,and angel hair made from spun glass would finish the decorations . Granny had a roll of quilting cotton that she spread around the base of the tree to give the semblance of snow .
The tree was put in the living room /bedroom/heater room that took up the south side of the house .The big cast iron woodburning heater was near the south wall. Other than the cast-iron cook stove in the kitchen, this heater was the only source of heat in the house. The bedroom on the north side of the house was unheated in winter and got none of the southerly breezes in summer.
For anyone who slept in the north bedroom during cold weather, Granny piled quilt after quilt an the bed until the load was so heavy that turning over in bed was very difficult.
You could be snug and warm under the mountain of quilts, but boy, when bare feet hit that ice cold linoleum covered floor, you ran as fast as you could to get to the heater room or kitchen.
The old house was built on blocks and the linoleum helped block some of the cracks in the floor, but there was nothing to block the cracks in the walls.
You may wonder why I would want to leave a gas-heated warm house in Houston to stay in the old house. But Granny and Granddad were not in Houston.
We never had a lot of presents under the tree; I usually received one tov and clothes and socks and a stocking with nuts and oranges on Christmas morning .But family and love were gifts that could not be wrapped.
Friends and relatives would stop to visit on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day . The men would invariably bring a bottle of "Christmas cheer" with them and pass it around.
I was even allowed to taste a little of tbe bourbon that provided the cheer. Granddad always kept a gallon jug of sweet port wine that he would pass around as his hospitality . My dad was mainly a once-a-year drinker and he usually had a pint of bourbon that was used on Christmas Day to flavor the eggnog .
The eggnog was home made from scratch using fresh cream and milk from our milk cow and eggs that were laid by our hens. The milk, cream and eggs were beaten until frothy and then the bourbon was added and blended with more beating. Nutmeg was sprinkled on top the cup of glass of eggnog. It. was a special. treat for me to have my own portion .
I remember the wood heater being filled with oak wood ,and pine kindling was used to get the oak burning. Sometimes the heater would get So hot that the sides would glow a bright red .
The roaring of the flames and the heat going up the metal stove pipe sounded like a train in the room .
Christmas dinner was not a turkey,becuse we never raised turkeys, but was chicken and dressing and chicken and dumplings. made with an old fat hen that had quit laying. Also, we would usually have a pork roast from a freshly butchered hog, and desserts galore.
Granny had a special cake that she made for Christmas and New Years ; my dad was born on New Year's Day and it wns his favorite cake. I can't remember all the ingredients, but I know that it called for a full ppund of real butter and a lot of eggs .Also mixed in were nuts and blackberry jam, and it was caUed jam cake. It was so rich that you could only eat a small piece at one time, but it was moist and kept well. We Would be eating jam cake in the middle of January.
That was long ago, but the good memories remain.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Hog Hunting in Tallow Flat
MILTON PARTAIN Contributing Writer.. .
The rural residents of Tallow Flat had led mainly a subsistence life before World War II : cutting and hauling logs and pulpwood (weather permitting), growing their own food and livestock feed, and canning vegetables and fruits.
They also made jams and jellies from wild and domestic plants, and slaughtered the semi-wild hogs that roamed the woods.
They then smoked, salted and . sugarcured the meat for ham, bacon and salt pork. Salt pork was used to flavor beans and the greens of turnips, mustard and collards.
In early fall the local residents would get together and have a hog hunt.
There were no stock laws in those days and everyone let their hogs and cattle roam free on the land that was owned by large timber and lumber companies.
Tbe shoats and pigs that seemed to belong to a particular sow with marked ears were marked the same, castrated and turned loose to feed on the acorn mast that was their primary food for the winter.
The barrows, pronounced "bars" from the year before, were captured and taken to be penned and fed at home. This fattened them for hog-killing time that came with a good cold spell, usually in December.
The weather had to be cold because no one had electricity for refrigeration. and the iceboxes that most people had could not keep a whole hog from spoiling but for a short time.
The hog hunt was a big event. It allowed everyone to claim some hogs as their own, even though true ownership was difficult to establish.
The marking of a hog's ears was done with a razor-sharp pocket knife. Everyone had their mark registered at the county courthouse and it was as valid as a brand on a cow.
The marks were designated by a series of cuts called crops, sharps, slopes, bits and other terms that I can't remember.
I learned to read marks when I was young, but today I would have no idea whose mark was whose.
Some of the hog hunters rode horses and some were on foot, but all were accompanied by hog dogs. The dogs were necessary to find the groups of hogs that roamed independently.
These groups were under the leadership of a boar and comprised a few sows, last year's shoats and this year's pigs.
The hog dogs were usually cur dogs or leopards, so-called because of their spots, or other breeds or mixes that made good stock dogs.
Hounds were not good stock dogs because they liked to chase and run.
A good pack of hog dogs would surround the group and bring them to bay, dodging the sharp tusks of the boars, and then help drive them to pens that were built in the woods.
The hogs were then marked, castrated and released or selected for ham and bacon.
The ownership of these hogs was really an honor system you did not kill a hog that had someone else's mark.
In this small community, everyone was poor and could not afford to buy meat at the grocery store. Cured pork was often the only meat, other than wild game, that was available to feed families.
The hogs provided lard for frying and baking, salt pork for flavoring and bacon and ham for breakfast. The marking and castrating was not a pleasant experience for the shoats. Two men would hold anJ one would wield the knife. The shoat would scream in mortal agony, blood was flying everywhere, and when the cuts were finished, the hog had to be held long enough to be daubed with medicine. . II The men made a lot of jokes about "mountain oysters," but I never saw anybody actually eat them.
The rural residents of Tallow Flat had led mainly a subsistence life before World War II : cutting and hauling logs and pulpwood (weather permitting), growing their own food and livestock feed, and canning vegetables and fruits.
They also made jams and jellies from wild and domestic plants, and slaughtered the semi-wild hogs that roamed the woods.
They then smoked, salted and . sugarcured the meat for ham, bacon and salt pork. Salt pork was used to flavor beans and the greens of turnips, mustard and collards.
In early fall the local residents would get together and have a hog hunt.
There were no stock laws in those days and everyone let their hogs and cattle roam free on the land that was owned by large timber and lumber companies.
Tbe shoats and pigs that seemed to belong to a particular sow with marked ears were marked the same, castrated and turned loose to feed on the acorn mast that was their primary food for the winter.
The barrows, pronounced "bars" from the year before, were captured and taken to be penned and fed at home. This fattened them for hog-killing time that came with a good cold spell, usually in December.
The weather had to be cold because no one had electricity for refrigeration. and the iceboxes that most people had could not keep a whole hog from spoiling but for a short time.
The hog hunt was a big event. It allowed everyone to claim some hogs as their own, even though true ownership was difficult to establish.
The marking of a hog's ears was done with a razor-sharp pocket knife. Everyone had their mark registered at the county courthouse and it was as valid as a brand on a cow.
The marks were designated by a series of cuts called crops, sharps, slopes, bits and other terms that I can't remember.
I learned to read marks when I was young, but today I would have no idea whose mark was whose.
Some of the hog hunters rode horses and some were on foot, but all were accompanied by hog dogs. The dogs were necessary to find the groups of hogs that roamed independently.
These groups were under the leadership of a boar and comprised a few sows, last year's shoats and this year's pigs.
The hog dogs were usually cur dogs or leopards, so-called because of their spots, or other breeds or mixes that made good stock dogs.
Hounds were not good stock dogs because they liked to chase and run.
A good pack of hog dogs would surround the group and bring them to bay, dodging the sharp tusks of the boars, and then help drive them to pens that were built in the woods.
The hogs were then marked, castrated and released or selected for ham and bacon.
The ownership of these hogs was really an honor system you did not kill a hog that had someone else's mark.
In this small community, everyone was poor and could not afford to buy meat at the grocery store. Cured pork was often the only meat, other than wild game, that was available to feed families.
The hogs provided lard for frying and baking, salt pork for flavoring and bacon and ham for breakfast. The marking and castrating was not a pleasant experience for the shoats. Two men would hold anJ one would wield the knife. The shoat would scream in mortal agony, blood was flying everywhere, and when the cuts were finished, the hog had to be held long enough to be daubed with medicine. . II The men made a lot of jokes about "mountain oysters," but I never saw anybody actually eat them.
Hog-killing Time Meant Lots of Hard Work in Tallow Flat
By MILTON PARTAIN
Contributing writer
When, a really good cold spell came, preferaby the first half of
December, it ,was.hog killing timein TallowFlat.
The temperature needed to be in at least the low 40s, but the 30s
were even better. With no refrigeration, natural cold was needed
to keep the meat from spoiling while it was being processed,
The barrows that had been capturedin the fall hog hunt and
brought home to be penned and fed were fat enough by this lime
to be ready for slaughter. They were fed plemtiful amounts of corn mash and slop, including kitchen scraps, to make a rapid weight gain and put on more fat that
could be rendered into lard, An ideal weight was between 150 and 200 pounds on the hoof. Less than that and there was not enough meat to make all the work involved
worthwhile; more than that and it was difficult to handle for processing.
The preparations included filling the huge cast iron washpot with bucket after bucket of water drawn from the well by rope and pulley. The pot stood on legs high
enough so that oak wood could be laid beneath and around it and
burned to bring the water to a boil. A slanted hole was dug into
the ground and a 55-gallon drum or barrel was set into it at an angle so that several gallons of hot water could be poured in without spilling. Knives were sharpened
and a stout rope was thrown over a strong branch of a convenient tree.
Once the hog had been killed and bled, a piece of seasoned oak
limb that had been sharpened on both ends was inserted in slits made between the ligaments and the bone of the rear legs. This piece of wood had to be strong
enough to support the weight of the hog without bending or breaking, The rope slung over the tree limb was tied to the center of the stick and the carcass was hoisted
off the ground by manpower. It was then inserted into the barrel
with the hot water and left long enough for the hair to start turning
loose, The carcass was pulled out and raised to a convenient working height, and everyone started grabhing handfuls of hot hair, working as fast as possible
before cooling made the hair tighten again, This procedure was
repeated several times: dip back in tbe barrel, pull hair, throw
buckets of boiling water over the hanging hog, until the majority of
the hair had been removed, Then the scraping began.
Butcher knives were pulled down the skin to scrape off the
remaining hairs, The head and ears were the /host difficult areas
to scrape, Repeating w~shing and scraping eventually left the carcass a clean white and it was ready for butchering. A cut was made from the rear to the neck on the belly side and the body cavity was opened. Entrails were pulled loose and dumped into a No, 3 wash tuh,
The liver and kidneys and some of the smaller intestines that could be used for sausage casings were saved, but the remainder was carried away from the house and
dumped, The everpresent pack of dogs would then fight and growl
and chew until the refuse was corisumed. Larger pieces of fat were trimmed and thrown into a bucket or small tub, to which trimmings would be added to later. All would
be heated to extract lard, which would be saved in one-gallon
syrup buckets and used for cooking. Cholesterol levels in Tallow
Flat were probably astronomical, but since no one there had ever
heard of cholesterol, and hog lard was the only readily available
cooking oil, it was used almost exclusively in frying and baking. ~ The hams and shoulders were removed and hung in the smoke house where a low, smoldering,
hickory wood fire was kept going for days, the smoke permeating
and flavoring the meat. They were then covered with a commercial
sugarcuring preparation that would preserve and add moreflavor to the
meat and turn the raw pork into sugarcured ham and bacon.
The fattier sides and bellies were covered with a curing salt and became salt pork,
used for flavoring beans and other vegetables.
Almost no part of the hog was wasted. Even the brains were mixed with eggs and scrambled
for next morning's breakfast. It took a lot of ingenuity and hard
work to survive in Tallow Flat in those days, but everyone worked
together and developed a closeness and sharing that we could
use more of in today's world.
Milton Partain's column about
his memories of Tallow Flat, located
near Splendora, appear periodically in the Sun.
By MILTON PARTAIN
Contributing writer
When, a really good cold spell came, preferaby the first half of
December, it ,was.hog killing timein TallowFlat.
The temperature needed to be in at least the low 40s, but the 30s
were even better. With no refrigeration, natural cold was needed
to keep the meat from spoiling while it was being processed,
The barrows that had been capturedin the fall hog hunt and
brought home to be penned and fed were fat enough by this lime
to be ready for slaughter. They were fed plemtiful amounts of corn mash and slop, including kitchen scraps, to make a rapid weight gain and put on more fat that
could be rendered into lard, An ideal weight was between 150 and 200 pounds on the hoof. Less than that and there was not enough meat to make all the work involved
worthwhile; more than that and it was difficult to handle for processing.
The preparations included filling the huge cast iron washpot with bucket after bucket of water drawn from the well by rope and pulley. The pot stood on legs high
enough so that oak wood could be laid beneath and around it and
burned to bring the water to a boil. A slanted hole was dug into
the ground and a 55-gallon drum or barrel was set into it at an angle so that several gallons of hot water could be poured in without spilling. Knives were sharpened
and a stout rope was thrown over a strong branch of a convenient tree.
Once the hog had been killed and bled, a piece of seasoned oak
limb that had been sharpened on both ends was inserted in slits made between the ligaments and the bone of the rear legs. This piece of wood had to be strong
enough to support the weight of the hog without bending or breaking, The rope slung over the tree limb was tied to the center of the stick and the carcass was hoisted
off the ground by manpower. It was then inserted into the barrel
with the hot water and left long enough for the hair to start turning
loose, The carcass was pulled out and raised to a convenient working height, and everyone started grabhing handfuls of hot hair, working as fast as possible
before cooling made the hair tighten again, This procedure was
repeated several times: dip back in tbe barrel, pull hair, throw
buckets of boiling water over the hanging hog, until the majority of
the hair had been removed, Then the scraping began.
Butcher knives were pulled down the skin to scrape off the
remaining hairs, The head and ears were the /host difficult areas
to scrape, Repeating w~shing and scraping eventually left the carcass a clean white and it was ready for butchering. A cut was made from the rear to the neck on the belly side and the body cavity was opened. Entrails were pulled loose and dumped into a No, 3 wash tuh,
The liver and kidneys and some of the smaller intestines that could be used for sausage casings were saved, but the remainder was carried away from the house and
dumped, The everpresent pack of dogs would then fight and growl
and chew until the refuse was corisumed. Larger pieces of fat were trimmed and thrown into a bucket or small tub, to which trimmings would be added to later. All would
be heated to extract lard, which would be saved in one-gallon
syrup buckets and used for cooking. Cholesterol levels in Tallow
Flat were probably astronomical, but since no one there had ever
heard of cholesterol, and hog lard was the only readily available
cooking oil, it was used almost exclusively in frying and baking. ~ The hams and shoulders were removed and hung in the smoke house where a low, smoldering,
hickory wood fire was kept going for days, the smoke permeating
and flavoring the meat. They were then covered with a commercial
sugarcuring preparation that would preserve and add moreflavor to the
meat and turn the raw pork into sugarcured ham and bacon.
The fattier sides and bellies were covered with a curing salt and became salt pork,
used for flavoring beans and other vegetables.
Almost no part of the hog was wasted. Even the brains were mixed with eggs and scrambled
for next morning's breakfast. It took a lot of ingenuity and hard
work to survive in Tallow Flat in those days, but everyone worked
together and developed a closeness and sharing that we could
use more of in today's world.
Milton Partain's column about
his memories of Tallow Flat, located
near Splendora, appear periodically in the Sun.
Monday, October 25, 2010
THE OBAMAS' PILLOW TALK 3
WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM 12:30 A.M.
ME ME ME CHELLE : WAS YOUR TRIP TO MIN-A-SO-TA A SUCCESS ?
BARRY : IT WAS GREAT ! THEY TALK FUNNY BUT THEY ARE THE MOST LOYAL DEMOCRATS . IF WE NAMED A DONKEY HUMPHREY MONDALE HE COULD BE ELECTED SENATOR .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : WELL , THEY DID ELECT A JACKASS , AL FRANKEN .
BARRY : AND THAT WAS THE MOST CREATIVE VOTER FRAUD EVER , FINDING THOSE UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR . CHICAGO COULD TAKE LESSONS FROM THEM . IT WAS A DEMOCRAT MASTERPIECE ON HOW TO STEAL AN ELECTION , AND LOOK AT THE CANDIDATE THEY HAD TO WORK WITH , CREEPY , FREAKY FRANKEN . TEN MORE STATES LIKE THAT AND WE WOULD NEVER LOSE AN ELECTION .
ME ME ME CHELLE : YOU KNOW THE ELECTIONS ARE LOOKING BETTER , WE HAVE MADE SOME REAL COMEBACKS . CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT A $ 27 AN HOUR MAID COULD HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT ON MEG WHITMAN'S $ 120 MILLIONS OF PERSONAL SPENDING . LOOKS LIKE MOONBEAM BROWN HAS A LOCK NOW . WHO CAME UP WITH THAT STORY ABOUT RAND PAUL WORSHIPPING AQUA BUDDHA ? AND WHAT IS AQUA BUDDHA ?
BARRY : I THINK IT CAME FROM A CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE , A HOOKAH FOR SMOKING DOPE SHAPED LIKE BUDDHA . GOOD ONE THOUGH . HOW WAS YOUR LUNCH WITH HILLARY ? WHAT WAS IT ABOUT ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : GIRL TALK , MOSTLY . SHE HAD SOME IDEAS ABOUT 2012 SHE WANTED TO RUN BY ME .
BARRY : HILLARY WANTS TO HELP ME GET REELECTED ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : WEEELLL , NOT EXACTLY . YOU KNOW YOUR POPULARITY IS DROPPING AND IF YOU CAN NOT MAKE A COMEBACK WE WILL PROBABLY LOSE IN 2012 . AND YOU KNOW I AM STILL VERY POPULAR .
BARRY : 'CHELLE ! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ? YOU WANT ME TO DROP OUT AND LET THAT BITCH RUN ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : WITH ME ON THE TICKET IT WOULD BE HISTORIC . THINK ABOUT IT , TWO WOMEN , ONE BLACK , ONE WHITE AND BOTH HUSBANDS ARE EX-PRESIDENTS .
LET SARAH PALIN TOP THAT .
BARRY : AAARRRGGHH ! HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT TO ME ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : IT WOULD BE FOR THE GOOD OF THE PARTY AND THE COUNTRY .
SILENCE . CLICK . LIGHTS OUT .
TO BE CONTINUED
ME ME ME CHELLE : WAS YOUR TRIP TO MIN-A-SO-TA A SUCCESS ?
BARRY : IT WAS GREAT ! THEY TALK FUNNY BUT THEY ARE THE MOST LOYAL DEMOCRATS . IF WE NAMED A DONKEY HUMPHREY MONDALE HE COULD BE ELECTED SENATOR .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : WELL , THEY DID ELECT A JACKASS , AL FRANKEN .
BARRY : AND THAT WAS THE MOST CREATIVE VOTER FRAUD EVER , FINDING THOSE UNCOUNTED BALLOTS IN THE TRUNK OF A CAR . CHICAGO COULD TAKE LESSONS FROM THEM . IT WAS A DEMOCRAT MASTERPIECE ON HOW TO STEAL AN ELECTION , AND LOOK AT THE CANDIDATE THEY HAD TO WORK WITH , CREEPY , FREAKY FRANKEN . TEN MORE STATES LIKE THAT AND WE WOULD NEVER LOSE AN ELECTION .
ME ME ME CHELLE : YOU KNOW THE ELECTIONS ARE LOOKING BETTER , WE HAVE MADE SOME REAL COMEBACKS . CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT A $ 27 AN HOUR MAID COULD HAVE SUCH AN EFFECT ON MEG WHITMAN'S $ 120 MILLIONS OF PERSONAL SPENDING . LOOKS LIKE MOONBEAM BROWN HAS A LOCK NOW . WHO CAME UP WITH THAT STORY ABOUT RAND PAUL WORSHIPPING AQUA BUDDHA ? AND WHAT IS AQUA BUDDHA ?
BARRY : I THINK IT CAME FROM A CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE , A HOOKAH FOR SMOKING DOPE SHAPED LIKE BUDDHA . GOOD ONE THOUGH . HOW WAS YOUR LUNCH WITH HILLARY ? WHAT WAS IT ABOUT ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : GIRL TALK , MOSTLY . SHE HAD SOME IDEAS ABOUT 2012 SHE WANTED TO RUN BY ME .
BARRY : HILLARY WANTS TO HELP ME GET REELECTED ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : WEEELLL , NOT EXACTLY . YOU KNOW YOUR POPULARITY IS DROPPING AND IF YOU CAN NOT MAKE A COMEBACK WE WILL PROBABLY LOSE IN 2012 . AND YOU KNOW I AM STILL VERY POPULAR .
BARRY : 'CHELLE ! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ? YOU WANT ME TO DROP OUT AND LET THAT BITCH RUN ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : WITH ME ON THE TICKET IT WOULD BE HISTORIC . THINK ABOUT IT , TWO WOMEN , ONE BLACK , ONE WHITE AND BOTH HUSBANDS ARE EX-PRESIDENTS .
LET SARAH PALIN TOP THAT .
BARRY : AAARRRGGHH ! HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING THAT TO ME ?
ME ME ME CHELLE : IT WOULD BE FOR THE GOOD OF THE PARTY AND THE COUNTRY .
SILENCE . CLICK . LIGHTS OUT .
TO BE CONTINUED
OBAMAS' PILLOW TALK 2
WHITE HOUSE PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM 12:30 A.M.
ME ME ME CHELLE : HOW WAS YOUR DAY DEAR ?
BARRY : NOT GOOD , THE NEWS WAS MORE ABOUT JUAN WILLIAMS THAN ME . WHAT IS SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT FIRING A LIBERAL TRAITOR THAT SPENDS SO MUCH TIME ON FOX ? HE MADE REMARKS ABOUT MUSLIMS THAT HAVE MY FRIENDS AND RELATIVES UPSET . ALL MUSLIMS ARE NOT SUICIDAL BOMBERS AND ISLAM IS A RELIGION OF PEACE , YOU KNOW THAT .
ME ME ME CHELLE : YES I KNOW DEAR AND I ENJOY SLEEPING IN THIS BURKHA , IT HAS A BUILT IN MOSQUITO NET . I LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN ALL AMERICAN WOMEN WILL BE WEARING THEM .
BARRY : I DON'T FEEL UP TO SEX TONIGHT , WHY DON'T WE PLAY THE DVD , THE BEST OF BARACK , AND FLIP THE SWITCH SO THE STAFF CAN HEAR . THEY WILL THINK I AM PERFORMING WITH MY USUAL PROWESS .
ME ME ME CHELLE : I LOVE THAT DVD , IT BRINGS BACK SUCH GREAT MEMORIES . HAS ERIC FOUND A WAY TO ARREST HANNITY AND BECK YET ?
BARRY : THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE WE CAN DEPORT HANNITY TO IRELAND IF WE CAN FIND A FLAW IN HIS GRANDFATHER'S PAPERS OF CITIZENSHIP . NAPOLITANO IS PERSONALLY WORKING ON IT . WE CAN'T FIND ANY RECORDS ON BECK AND HOLDER THINKS HE MIGHT BE ONE OF THE SPACE ALIENS THAT ESCAPED FROM AREA 51 . WE ARE TRYING TO GET A DNA SAMPLE TO SEE IF HE IS HUMAN . IT IS HARD TO LISTEN TO ALL THE SCURRILOUS THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT ME .
ME ME ME CHELLE : WHEN SOROS TAKES CONTROL OF FOX WE WILL BE RID OF THEM . KEEP MAKING SURE THAT HE GETS ALL THOSE DEEPWATER RIGS FROM THE GULF AND GIVE HIM ANOTHER 2 BILLION DOLLARS IF HR NEEDS THEM . HE IS OUR BEST CHANCE TO CONTROL ALL THE MEDIA .
BARRY: YOU ARE RIGHT . THANK ALLAH HE IS ON OUR SIDE .
ME ME ME CHELLE : I ALMOST FORGOT , HILLARY INVITED ME TO LUNCH TOMORROW , SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO DISCUSS . I AM CURIOUS WHAT IT COULD BE .
BARRY : BE CAREFUL WITH THAT BITCH , I HAVE ON RELIABLE SOURCES THAT BILL IS NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THAT FAMILY WHO LIKES GIRLS .
ME ME ME CHELLE : HMMM SHE DID LEAVE HER HAND ON MY BUTT A LONG TIME , SUPPOSEDLY SMOOTHING A WRINKLE ON MY SKIRT . DON'T WORRY , I AM ALL YOURS . 'NIGHT BARRY .
BARRY : GOOD NIGHT 'CHELLE .
Note : the above is a transcript taken from recordings and released by an anonymous source in the White House .
ME ME ME CHELLE : HOW WAS YOUR DAY DEAR ?
BARRY : NOT GOOD , THE NEWS WAS MORE ABOUT JUAN WILLIAMS THAN ME . WHAT IS SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT FIRING A LIBERAL TRAITOR THAT SPENDS SO MUCH TIME ON FOX ? HE MADE REMARKS ABOUT MUSLIMS THAT HAVE MY FRIENDS AND RELATIVES UPSET . ALL MUSLIMS ARE NOT SUICIDAL BOMBERS AND ISLAM IS A RELIGION OF PEACE , YOU KNOW THAT .
ME ME ME CHELLE : YES I KNOW DEAR AND I ENJOY SLEEPING IN THIS BURKHA , IT HAS A BUILT IN MOSQUITO NET . I LOOK FORWARD TO WHEN ALL AMERICAN WOMEN WILL BE WEARING THEM .
BARRY : I DON'T FEEL UP TO SEX TONIGHT , WHY DON'T WE PLAY THE DVD , THE BEST OF BARACK , AND FLIP THE SWITCH SO THE STAFF CAN HEAR . THEY WILL THINK I AM PERFORMING WITH MY USUAL PROWESS .
ME ME ME CHELLE : I LOVE THAT DVD , IT BRINGS BACK SUCH GREAT MEMORIES . HAS ERIC FOUND A WAY TO ARREST HANNITY AND BECK YET ?
BARRY : THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE WE CAN DEPORT HANNITY TO IRELAND IF WE CAN FIND A FLAW IN HIS GRANDFATHER'S PAPERS OF CITIZENSHIP . NAPOLITANO IS PERSONALLY WORKING ON IT . WE CAN'T FIND ANY RECORDS ON BECK AND HOLDER THINKS HE MIGHT BE ONE OF THE SPACE ALIENS THAT ESCAPED FROM AREA 51 . WE ARE TRYING TO GET A DNA SAMPLE TO SEE IF HE IS HUMAN . IT IS HARD TO LISTEN TO ALL THE SCURRILOUS THINGS THEY SAY ABOUT ME .
ME ME ME CHELLE : WHEN SOROS TAKES CONTROL OF FOX WE WILL BE RID OF THEM . KEEP MAKING SURE THAT HE GETS ALL THOSE DEEPWATER RIGS FROM THE GULF AND GIVE HIM ANOTHER 2 BILLION DOLLARS IF HR NEEDS THEM . HE IS OUR BEST CHANCE TO CONTROL ALL THE MEDIA .
BARRY: YOU ARE RIGHT . THANK ALLAH HE IS ON OUR SIDE .
ME ME ME CHELLE : I ALMOST FORGOT , HILLARY INVITED ME TO LUNCH TOMORROW , SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO DISCUSS . I AM CURIOUS WHAT IT COULD BE .
BARRY : BE CAREFUL WITH THAT BITCH , I HAVE ON RELIABLE SOURCES THAT BILL IS NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THAT FAMILY WHO LIKES GIRLS .
ME ME ME CHELLE : HMMM SHE DID LEAVE HER HAND ON MY BUTT A LONG TIME , SUPPOSEDLY SMOOTHING A WRINKLE ON MY SKIRT . DON'T WORRY , I AM ALL YOURS . 'NIGHT BARRY .
BARRY : GOOD NIGHT 'CHELLE .
Note : the above is a transcript taken from recordings and released by an anonymous source in the White House .
BARRY AND ME ME ME CHELLE
SCENE : PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM 12:30 A. M. OCTOBER 19 , 2010
BARRY : THAT WAS WONDERFUL SWEETHEART, SEX IS SO RELAXING AFTER A STRESSFULL DAY .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : I AM GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE , DEAR
BARRY : DID YOU REMEMBER TO FLIP THE SWITCH SO THE STAFF CAN HEAR WHAT A WONDERFUL LOVER I AM ? AND DID YOU REMEMBER TO YELL SEVEN TIMES " OH BARACK YOU ARE THE GREATEST " ? I WAS CONCENTRATING ON MY TECHNIQUE AND LOST COUNT .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : YES DEAR , AND I SAID " YOU ARE SO BLACK WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS " .
BARRY : YOU KNOW TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY ARE THE ELECTIONS AND IT IS NOT LOOKING GOOD . I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE OF THIS UNGRATEFUL COUNTRY .
EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE IS FOR THEIR BENEFITAND THEY JUST DON'T REALIZE THAT I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM . THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE ME AND MY FEELINGS ARE HURT . I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED TO CONVINCE THEM THAT ALL THE PROBLEMS WERE CAUSED BY GEORGE BUSH AND I NEED MORE TIME TO DIG US OUT OF THE DITCH BUT THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT SOME OF IT IS MY FAULT .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : DEAR , YOU KNOW HOW DUMB THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE , THEY STILL WANT TO BELIEVE THE CONSTITUTION IS IMPORTANT . WE HAVE SIX MORE YEARS TO KEEP THE COUNTRY GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND BY THEN 75 % OF THE POPULATION WILL DEPEND ON US TO FEED AND CLOTHE THEM SO THEY WILL HAVE TO VOTE FOR US WHEN I RUN FOR PRESIDENT . DO YOU THINK I COULD BE CALLED " YOUR HIGHNESS " INSTEAD OF MADAM PRESIDENT ?
BARRY : YES DEAR , IF WE CAN GET BY THIS ELECTION WE WILL HAVE IT MADE . MAYBE I CAN GET RAHM TO COME BACK , I MISS THAT LITTLE FAIRY TWINKLING AROUND , EVEN IF HE DID HAVE AN ODOR OF DEAD FISH . WHAT HAPPENS IF I LOSE NANCY THE NINNY AND HARRY THE HORRID ? I HAVE TO CALL ACORN AND THE UNIONS , WE NEED AT LEAST TEN VOTES FOR EACH PERSON THEY REGISTER TO SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY AND I SO WANTED TO PLAY GOLF TOMORROW .
TO BE CONTINUED
BARRY : THAT WAS WONDERFUL SWEETHEART, SEX IS SO RELAXING AFTER A STRESSFULL DAY .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : I AM GLAD I COULD BE OF SERVICE , DEAR
BARRY : DID YOU REMEMBER TO FLIP THE SWITCH SO THE STAFF CAN HEAR WHAT A WONDERFUL LOVER I AM ? AND DID YOU REMEMBER TO YELL SEVEN TIMES " OH BARACK YOU ARE THE GREATEST " ? I WAS CONCENTRATING ON MY TECHNIQUE AND LOST COUNT .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : YES DEAR , AND I SAID " YOU ARE SO BLACK WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS " .
BARRY : YOU KNOW TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY ARE THE ELECTIONS AND IT IS NOT LOOKING GOOD . I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE OF THIS UNGRATEFUL COUNTRY .
EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE IS FOR THEIR BENEFITAND THEY JUST DON'T REALIZE THAT I KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR THEM . THEY DO NOT APPRECIATE ME AND MY FEELINGS ARE HURT . I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED TO CONVINCE THEM THAT ALL THE PROBLEMS WERE CAUSED BY GEORGE BUSH AND I NEED MORE TIME TO DIG US OUT OF THE DITCH BUT THEY SEEM TO THINK THAT SOME OF IT IS MY FAULT .
ME ME ME MICHELLE : DEAR , YOU KNOW HOW DUMB THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE , THEY STILL WANT TO BELIEVE THE CONSTITUTION IS IMPORTANT . WE HAVE SIX MORE YEARS TO KEEP THE COUNTRY GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION AND BY THEN 75 % OF THE POPULATION WILL DEPEND ON US TO FEED AND CLOTHE THEM SO THEY WILL HAVE TO VOTE FOR US WHEN I RUN FOR PRESIDENT . DO YOU THINK I COULD BE CALLED " YOUR HIGHNESS " INSTEAD OF MADAM PRESIDENT ?
BARRY : YES DEAR , IF WE CAN GET BY THIS ELECTION WE WILL HAVE IT MADE . MAYBE I CAN GET RAHM TO COME BACK , I MISS THAT LITTLE FAIRY TWINKLING AROUND , EVEN IF HE DID HAVE AN ODOR OF DEAD FISH . WHAT HAPPENS IF I LOSE NANCY THE NINNY AND HARRY THE HORRID ? I HAVE TO CALL ACORN AND THE UNIONS , WE NEED AT LEAST TEN VOTES FOR EACH PERSON THEY REGISTER TO SAVE OUR DEMOCRACY AND I SO WANTED TO PLAY GOLF TOMORROW .
TO BE CONTINUED
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